Monday, June 14, 2010

I can't think of a title for this

Okay so this has nothing to do with school other than the fact that this is my first day of classes and I am posting before I do work.

This Saturday I called my Grandparents to let them know the kids and I would be out next Friday for a long over due visit. When my Grandmother got on the phone she seemed cold and distant. She began telling me that my kids were going to be a waste of life unless they succeeded in school and became something. How basically I wasted it and was doing too little too late by going back to school now, but she was glad I was going back. I ignored it thinking she was probably tired or not feeling "up to snuff" as is so often the case now. The conversation moved on and I told them of the plans to see my Dad in July and that we were all excited and nervous about the drive. As I was going over the itinerary and method of transportation my Grandmother blurted out "I am mad at you and really offended that you called your father a "baby killer" the last time we talked!". She continued on about how what he did was important and that I should have respect for him no matter what. Yes, folks I was taken off guard and really confused.

My father was in the Vietnam war and had to do many things that some would frown on. However, these are things he had to do, he had to stay alive to come home to his new wife and child. I have never slighted him for his service in the military and do not judge him by any of the things he had to do there. If I was that person I would never have talked to him again. I am not that person and love my Dad so much.

So there I sat startled and dumbfounded by this accusation. I tried to defend myself and figure out where this came from. She said "You said it the last time we talked". I haven't really talked to my Grandmother in a few months as she has been ill and not able to come to the phone. I tend to converse with my Grandfather during my weekly calls. As the tears welled up in my eyes I tried to tell her I never have nor would say that and if I had said something even remotely like I in no way meant to nor meant anything I say about my Dad to be hurtful like that. In the process of my explanation she hung up. My Grandfather was still on the phone. I was in full tears and ready to throw up.

He was telling me he knew I didn't mean anything I said to be derogatory and that I had to understand that my Grandmother had a lot on her mind. Her brothers and sisters all have Alzheimer's and their kids were moving them around to different nursing homes etc. He said my Grandmother is really sick. I didn't think to ask if she had been to the Doctor and reviewed for Dementia. I couldn't think of anything, I was shocked. I just didn't understand where this attack came from. I told him that I would just call this Friday and see if she would want to see me then.

I called my sister and told her what happened. She said it would blow over and to just wait to hear from them.

So this makes me think and over process. Do I say things like that. Am I really a mean person? Is my Grandmother suffering the on-set of Dementia? Ha my favorite character on G.L.O.W. was named Dementia. Is this what the remaining years of her life going to be like? Do I really have my best interest in mind putting my family well-being before everything else in my life. All I want to do is go to her and set her mind at ease, but is there anything there to ease?

My Nana (Grandmoms mom) had Alzheimer and it was rough for everyone, especially her. I was just a little kid at the time, but I remember going to the home and singing "You Are My Sunshine" to her. She thought my sister and I were staff or some nice kids from a local school to sing to her. Sometimes she was angry and would be afraid of us. I am worried that this is an experience I will relive with my Grandmother. I sincerely hope not.

So it is what it is............ and I wish I could change it.


Charlie said...

I think the Alzheimers thing runs in families. Mood swings, confusion of time and people. Yes, it is hard, but as you say . . . it is what it is

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